just arrived via Bridgette Favia:
>1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
>
>2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
>
>3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
>4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
>
>5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
>
>6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
>
>7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
>
>8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>
>9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too
>
>10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
>
>11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
>
>12. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
>
>13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
>
>14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>
>15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
>
>16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
>
>17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>
>18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
>
>19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
>
>20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
>
>21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
> why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
>
>22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
>
>23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
> everyone just move 10 miles away?
>
New story (thanks to Valerie Listori)
I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron-poorblood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people employed by State and local government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired; I'm the only one working. - - - - - - -
(This was the winner of a national contest for the funniest college application.)
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
More? Try CINCHE
The Zen of George
Carlin...
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is itconsidered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Women vs Men...
A young man went to the hospital complaining of suffering from severe headaches. Following some extensive testing, the man's doctor brought the man into his office and asked him to sit down. The doctor explained to the man that he had a life threatening brain tumor, and his life was in danger.
The doctor optimistically tells the man,"Luckily this hospital has just been certified to perform total brain transplants, and the good news is that there was just a fatal car accident right outside, and a young couple was killed. We have a brain that you can have right now."
The young man, feeling a little bad about gaining from someone else's ill fortune, but at the same time eager to save his own life, responded, OK, well tell me what needs to be done, which brain will I be receiving?"
The doctor explains the man's options, "Well, you can have the man's brain which will cost you $1,000,000.00, or you can opt to receive the woman's brain, which will only cost you "1,000.00."
Confused at the huge difference in price, the man has to ask, "Why is the price of the man's brain so much higher?"
"Well," says the doctor, "The woman's brain has been used."
More?
Proof of Dilbert Principle
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Knowledge is Power.
Time is Money.
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
I KNEW someone would eventually prove this!
--------Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar --------
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. --------
Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank car readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me." Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
--------
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large. Both cost 99 cents." The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
--------
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
--------
Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
--------
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. ------------
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
--------
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
---------
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
--------
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years." -----------
Love Them Nuts.
A young man takes a couple of his mates over to his grandma's for a visit. As they sit around in the living room chatting, the young man and his mates finish off a bowl of peanuts Grandma has sitting on the coffee table. When they get up to leave, the young man and his mates say: "Thanx for the peanuts, sorry we ate 'em all." To which Grandma replies: "T
Still Need More?
courtesy of Dr.Charles Wallach via his daugther:
>Subject: Martha Stewart's 1997 Calendar
>Jan 1: Catch up on gardening - sew leaves back onto trees. Do all
cooking
>for 1997
>Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
>Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the earth.
>Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices
and
>cinnamon sticks.
>Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.
>Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholls shoe
inserts into
>heat pump.
>Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent
pastry
>cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
>Jan 8: Culture ancient dinosaur DNA into pets for nieces and
nephews.
>Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal
personal
>address books; simply cross out the names of the people you don't
know.
>Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
>Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
>Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take
verbatim
>notes.
>Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives
so
>that they're ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
>Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air freshener in case
tires
>are shot out at the mall.
>Jan 15: DJN birthday. Find out who DJN is.
>Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
>Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion
>cat-o'-nine tails. Flog gardener.
>Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
>Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault.
Remove
>air, replace with nitrogen.
From susan hitchcock...
NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street
today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant
conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big
Bird and just behind Barney.
In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and
the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market
share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite
word."
---
CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of
consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form
Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine
the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or
Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and
chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.
---
BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today
that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to
increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at
least one novel a month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen,
Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically
acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells
more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the
respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college
literature classes. "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an
exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the
prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers
who can keep up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr.
King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King
was informed that the company was not John Updike.
---
WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes
across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile
takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet,
will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest
supplier of home companion services.
---
PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be
the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces
into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are
still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts.
Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up
self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be
resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years
to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream
for them. Women were unavailable for comment.
---
ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons
of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have
decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.
"Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared
simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and
personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as
two former adversaries setting aside differences for the
good of consumers." Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God
would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post
of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because
the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined
company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign
in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old
organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.
Jay Jennings is a writer in Concord, N.H.
